Last night I found out that a friend from some time ago died. The memorial service is this weekend and I’m trying to mentally prepare for attending. I know the person from scouting and camping and so the memorial is actually a casual event up at the camp about two hours from here. It will be the first time I’m back there in years. It will be the first time I see those places and those people in years. I’m not really sure what I expect. Back then that place and those times… they were a safe haven for me. They were a time and a place set apart from everything else. They were when I put aside my “geek” and my computers…. drop all forms of technology…. left the rooms lit only by monitors glow… left all the expectations and rules and hoops to jump through…. and did something totally different. Pack a bag with everything I need for a few days.. and spend a long weekend teaching adults how to teach groups of kids how to love the outdoors and spend time there in fun and safe ways. It was a place where I communicated with words and actions, not keystrokes. It was a place where I taught from my heart and from my experiences… not created logical instructions and patterns. It was a place where all the external pressures and expectations just simply did not apply.. because they had no bearing in the totally different circumstances. The night before the course would start only the trainers are at camp. I would stand in the field under the stars and just take it all in. I remember one night standing in the dark in about a foot of snow under a sky full of stars and I remember actually crying.. though I blamed it on the wind biting at my face. I remember always having at least some of what I owned and where I lived having the faint scent of campfire. I remember even then being known for being the crazy kid not wearing enough warm layers as I created snow candles in shorts and a sweatshirt. I remember yearr before then even – the winter it got down to twenty below as I slept in shorts and a tshirt in my sleeping bag on the wide open back porch (granted I frost bit all my toes that same night). I loved the feel of the cold there. It was a fresh, sharp kind of cold. It kept the world present and real and full of sensory glory. It made me feel more like me and more alive.

I haven’t actually camped in years now.
A lot has changed since my friend taught me how to put on a climbing harness, how to belay, how to teach kids to climb and not fear the heights.
I’ve weathered many falls and winters in many states since the last time I took down a tent and weatherproofed campsites for the winter alongside my friend and others.
So many seasons have passed since that place was my home away from home… and my friend as the resident there… was a common sight and always felt a little like family.

I’m not sure what I feel about going to camp on Sunday other than that I need to be there
and that I need to bring my camera this time.

I know I need to bring all of who I am
I know I will bring that carabiner that I carry my keys on – which I first acquired when my friend was teaching me so long ago
I know the winter wind will bite my face and bring tears again… I can already feel them.

The tears will come from the wind.
The tears will come from the loss of that friend.
The tears will come from the knowledge that other young women will not be able to learn and grow under the tutalage of my friend.
The tears will come from the act of returning to that place, and in doing so honoring that time in the past – that crucial time and the crucial role my friend and that season had in my life.

I have a dear friend who holds tightly to the saying “Love Fearlessly and Unconditionally”. It takes but once of meeting her to know to your core that she it is her passion to love people with everything God places in her.

When you spend time with her her love and care is so profound and so real and pure that it feels tangible. It feels as though it is a blanket that is wrapped around me warm and safe. It is the kind of love that only God can provide, because its deep enough and pure enough and true enough that it is truly safe and it is truly tangible and it is truly real. It is hte kind of love that our heart yearn for with each beat – the kind of love we were created to experience and to share constantly. And yet it is a kind of love that is all to rare in our world today.
It is the love that redefines words… where safety is not about locks and security – but about the ability to overcome and move beyond due to the network of love and care surrounding….
where safe is not about doors or objects… but about emotions and identity – opinions and thoughts – dreams and expression
it is warm – it is comforting – it is enveloping – it is real. And if we focus on God we can carry it around with us. Though all to often it slips away when daily life distracts us with it’s “emergencies” and “urgencies”

What would it look like if I could love even one single person like that tomorrow?
What would it look like if I could love my parents like that?
Or my colleagues?
Or the person that I have yet to meet?

What if I was so grounded in my relationship with God and who God says I am and how safe and loved God says I am…..
that I could pour out that love so freely to everyone I come in contact with?

That love that my dear friend shared – that she wrapped me up in when in saw her today – that is the love that we are all called to share… to experience and then to overflow in it so that it splashes out and touches all the lives around us.

But how do I put that into action in my life today?

I want to LOVE like that. I want to LIVE like that.

I pray. A lot. For me prayer is practically like breathing in that I don’t feel right if I’m not doing it enough. It’s how I start my day, end my day, and spend many random moments throughout my day.

As such, over the years I have spent a lot of time praying for Discernment.
However, it was not until just a few days ago that I came to realize quite abruptly that there was a whole piece of Discernment that I had totally been missing when I prayed.
Read more of Discernment

This week has been rough. I feel physically rotten and have no control over it which is really hard for me. I’ve also had virtually no ability to emotionally cope with nonsense or frustrating things. So I have unintendingly hurt some people’s feelings. I’m not the person I know I am and that’s hard.

It’s almost two in the morning and I’m awake because ever since a test I had done at the hospital on Friday my body is totally and completely out of wack. I’m awake for 3-6 hours at a shot and then so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open.

Tonite, as I’m sitting at my computer at this hour, my mom pads down the stairs to check on me – to make sure I’m feeling ok – to make sure I’m consious – to make sure I do not need to go to the emergency room.

And the reality of my current life hits me in a powerful way and I actually cried.

There is a part of my soul that is a strong and independent woman. A woman that has liven in 4 states within 6 years. A woman that has loved and has lost and has sought hard to find her path. A woman who lives and loves. A woman who hikes and rollerblades and plays ice hockey.

But there is a part of my flesh that some days would let me climb that mountain – but today has me moved across the country to live with my folks again at age 30 so that someone will be around to help take care of me and watch out for me the next time I black out. This part of me is dependant. This part of me is weak. This part of me tries to overwhelm everything else and show me only darkness.

But I refuse.

Tonite even as I sit here just hours after being on the phone with the on call cardiologist trying to determine if we were taking a run to the ER or not…..
Tonite I refuse to let the darkness take over.

Because even if my flesh does want to hide in sleep and rest, and even if I do need to spend much of my day asleep or resting…. I am still that independent woman. I am still strong. I still dream and I still love ferociously. I still live.

The darkness does not win. Not today. Not here.

10,000 feet. At that point in your hike you are above the tree line and just about at that point you can quite literally FEEL the air get thinner. If you are, like me, a creature that’s always lived at sea level, it suddenly feels like there is barely enough air to continue the climb. But if you are even more like I was that day, with a heart that wasn’t pumping as effectively as other people’s, then there is quite literally “not enough air in the air” as I tend to explain it.
So I’m standing there with my small pack of essentials and water strapped tightly to my back, and a good friend by my side, and there is nothing between us and the summit except about another 600 feet or so of elevation – all a field of loose rocks – and definitely not enough air for me to make it.
Truth is – I couldn’t. Physically I could not have made it. There was not enough air and I was not in the shape to be able to do it.
But being up there – that day – that experience – it wasn’t about me.
I knew I was supposed to make the climb all the way that morning.
So I trusted God with it – put Him in control – and He took me one step at a time up that last 600 or so feet of elevation.
Granted there were a few times that the friend by my side needed to grab me by my pack and push me forwards to stop me from toppling headfirst downhill.. but we made it.

It’s a true story – and it’s a great example of how God works in my life. When it comes to struggles and challenges, I have alot of decisions and alot of tough steps to make – just to get to the 10,000 foot mark. But once I get there – unless I want to do a header back down and start the climb all over – or give up all together on the goal….
Then I need to surrender. I need to admin that at that height I’m useless and it’s all in His hands, and I need to be real and honest with some people around me, to hold me accountable, and to be there to step in and grab me before I take a header back down off the height.

In the last week, I’ve hit that 10,000 foot point with a few different challenges in my life. It’s been a huge weight off my shoulders for Him to take it – for Him to be in control of those things now. But it’s also a little overwhelming.

It’s a lot like standing on the top of Avalanche Peak in 2004…. being in awe of how huge and amazing everything is – God is. And feeling really small amidst it all. And exhausted from the climb.

God is able to establish us. (Strong’s Number G4741)
“Now to Him who is able to establish you according to my gospel and the preaching of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery which has been kept secret for long ages past” Romans 16:25

God will establish us. (Strong’s Number G4741)
“But the Lord is faithful and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3

God does establish us with Christ. (Strong’s Number G950)
“Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and annointed us is God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge.” 2 Corinthians 1:21

Strong’s Number G4741
sterizo
1. to make stable, place firmly, set fast, fix
2. to strenghten, make firm
3. to render contant, confirm

Strong’s Number G950
1. to make firm, establish, confirm, make sure

So, when we accept Christ – God establishes us.

So – what does Establish mean in English today…..

Establish (From the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. To render stable or firm.
a. To strengthen by material support
b. To ratify, confirm, validate
c. To confirm, settle (what is weak or wavering); to restore (health) permanently; to give calmness or steadiness to (the mind).
d. To calm (anger), to settle (doubts).

2.
a. To fix, settle, institute or ordain permanently, by enactment or agreement.
b. To secure or settle (property, privileges, etc.) to or upon persons.
c. To impute (guilt) to.

3. To set up on a secure or permanent basis; to found

4.
a. To place in a secure or permanent position; to install and secure in a possession, office, dignity, etc

Therefore…..
God tells us that from the moment that we choose to accept that Christ died for our sins, and we asked God to enter our lives – to send His Spirit to us and to take control of our lives…..
That from that moment he has permanently established each of our own individual places within His kingdom – and he commits to maintain that strengthened and fortified position – even while we are here on this side of Eden.

He established us, “knit us together in our mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13).

And He commits to protect us, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust.’” (Psalms 91:1-2)

So this establishment first and foremost means that we each have an individual position, a rock solid permanent location in God’s lap, where He’s vowed to steady, to protect, to calm, to forgive, and to love unending.

Nothing on this earth or of this earth – NOTHING short of God has any ability to change that position, that secure home, that identity that is granted to us as His sons and daughters.

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. (Romans 8:1)

Wow – gives that Romans passage an entire new depth – a depth of identity and relationship that I hadn’t even scratched the surface of.

Hours of journaling this weekend had me focusing on how no one elses actions or words or opinions can define who I am – how no one has that power to define me – to judge me.
I needed that time and that lesson. But as my time writing went further the lens flipped around on me. Do I react to all people equally? Am I as careful and loving with my actions and my words with the people that I adore and find precious – as I do with the people that get under my skin – or those I don’t know at all?

It’s taken me just over a month to unwind words spoken about me – yet how often do I carelessly throw words around in the course of day to day life? Do I watch my tongue as much as I hope and pray (and know) that people that love me dearly try to watch theirs around me?
Do I offer grace in my reactions to those around me, the way friends and coworkers and family offer me grace in my failing moments?

None of us have the ability to define another human being. We have no right to, we have no power to, and so our heart should not allow our tongue to.
Words and actions have such amazing power in people’s lives. They have had such an unbelievable power to destroy and tear apart things in my life – and yet also such an indescribable perfect healing touch.

We are God’s hands and feet down here on Earth. We speak the words that are heard. Our hands execute the actions that are experienced.

What are our hands doing today? What have we let come from our lips today? What thoughts have we allowed our mind and spirit to dwell on today?

Within my own healing – I’ve also found the conviction to execute so much more care and caution and mindfulness in all I do. I pray that God would help me to not fall prey to the quick wittedness and impatience of this world – and instead that my thoughts – and therefore the words and actions that flow from them – would be grown out of the love that He has shown me.

“Waiting on God is the physical act of demonstrating your trust in him”
In today’s fastpaced culture, what does it look like to wait on God? What do I want it to look like in my life?

The quote really has got me thinking.
I think we all dream of being able to wait on God for each decision, yet find it so challenging to balance that with the speed of our culture and the things we “have to do” each day.
Read more of Waiting on God

Struggles surround us every day. So much so that many of them we get so used to that we just workaround them constantly and slowly over time forget that they are not just “a part of life” but truly are a struggle.

We stand there working hard to apply our usual workaround to the standard struggle in our life. And we are so intent on just getting through that thing and moving on, that we totally and complete miss the hand that is right there – reaching out to help us in our task, or remove the struggle for us completely.
Read more of Complacency

This week has been rough. Really tough to be honest. So by the end of the week I was totally at that point where I was just wishing hard that I was up at the home of one of my good friends and could just kind of fall apart while being hugged so tight.

But as I got to that place within my mind where that is what I wanted more than anything… God interrupted my thought progression. Why can’t I learn to receive that same safety and comfort from being in His arms? Read more of Seeking Arms to Hold