This week has been rough. I feel physically rotten and have no control over it which is really hard for me. I’ve also had virtually no ability to emotionally cope with nonsense or frustrating things. So I have unintendingly hurt some people’s feelings. I’m not the person I know I am and that’s hard.

It’s almost two in the morning and I’m awake because ever since a test I had done at the hospital on Friday my body is totally and completely out of wack. I’m awake for 3-6 hours at a shot and then so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open.

Tonite, as I’m sitting at my computer at this hour, my mom pads down the stairs to check on me – to make sure I’m feeling ok – to make sure I’m consious – to make sure I do not need to go to the emergency room.

And the reality of my current life hits me in a powerful way and I actually cried.

There is a part of my soul that is a strong and independent woman. A woman that has liven in 4 states within 6 years. A woman that has loved and has lost and has sought hard to find her path. A woman who lives and loves. A woman who hikes and rollerblades and plays ice hockey.

But there is a part of my flesh that some days would let me climb that mountain – but today has me moved across the country to live with my folks again at age 30 so that someone will be around to help take care of me and watch out for me the next time I black out. This part of me is dependant. This part of me is weak. This part of me tries to overwhelm everything else and show me only darkness.

But I refuse.

Tonite even as I sit here just hours after being on the phone with the on call cardiologist trying to determine if we were taking a run to the ER or not…..
Tonite I refuse to let the darkness take over.

Because even if my flesh does want to hide in sleep and rest, and even if I do need to spend much of my day asleep or resting…. I am still that independent woman. I am still strong. I still dream and I still love ferociously. I still live.

The darkness does not win. Not today. Not here.